Given that this (almost terminally sporadic) newsletter costs you nothing it was always going to be hard for me to offer a really solid Black Friday deal. I struggled to think what I could offer you and the day whizzed past. Cyber Monday approached and again, my team and I tore our hair out trying to devise a discount to this free newsletter so irresistible that you’d be snapping my hand off. But Cyber Monday came and went. So now it’s HOT TUESDAY and finally the team (in the Tel Aviv office - huge shout out to you guys - you’ve really earned this week’s pizza and dogs Friday) have come up with a stonking special offer which you can find at the end of this email.
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So what’s been going on with me?
My phone broke and I sent it off and it came back and they hadn’t fixed it.
Quite a ballsy move from Samsung.
My phone had essentially gone on an all expenses paid ten day holiday. If I’m being charitable, maybe Samsung hoped the time out would do it some good. Who amongst us wouldn’t feel rejuvenated after ten doing nothing more than looking at the inside of a cardboard and polystyrene envelope?
If I’m being uncharitable - and this view also reflects the stance of the Tel Aviv office, the Marseilles branch and the São Paulo hot desk - Samsung have decided to make an enemy out of me and my organisation. We’re planning next steps.
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I've not sent one of these emails for ages. I think I felt a bit gross that the only time I ever sent one was when I had something to promote. And I feel a lot better about this email being a completely useless waste of your time.
Also I've just remembered that I do have something to promote - I made a half hour documentary on BBC Radio 4 with Natasha Hodgson about the (long) novel The Unconsoled by Kazuo Ishiguro. You can listen here. I also made one at this time last year with Josie Long about Good Morning Midnight by Jean Rhys. You can listen to that here. They’re both fun programmes! It might feel like some colour of hypocrisy to be sticking these under your nose less than a paragraph after what I wrote about feeling gross about promoting stuff. But as always you’re wrong. I don't feel so bad flogging these because they're on the BBC so they're actually a public service. It's like promoting a library or a bin lorry.
Also it feels less cut-throat because a) they are free for you to listen to and b) because the BBC is mercifully free from the commercial imperative, the big bosses don’t mind how many people listen because the radio station only exists to broadcast coded messages back to their Communist paymasters in the USSR.
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Okay... time to ring the hypocrisy bell again. I actually do have something else to promote. I have the team at the Kuala Lumpur mini-hub to thank for making this possible. You'll probably have already seen this but in case you haven’t... I'm one of a handful of official brand partners for the state of Qatar during this FIFA World Cup. Myself, watch model David Beckham and the frozen corpse of Walt Disney have been doing our level best to raise the profile of the emirate in return for £10 million (in Beckham's case), a lovely new 400L chest freezer (in Walt’s case) and a mobile phone with a working microphone (in my case). So I'd just like to take this opportunity to quickly tell you that Qatar has a wonderful array of leisure options for the international traveller happy to turn a blind eye. Yes, it’s hot, but one of the things that has really impressed me is that Disney has only partially thawed out once this whole time and that was only because Beckham unplugged the chest freezer to plug in his facial rejuvenation stem cell laser blaster. It’s been a privilege to help convince people that Qatar isn’t a despotic, corrupt, migrant worker-exploiting, homophobic, human rights blackhole, but rather a great winter sun destination. Huge thanks to Jonny Infantino and the rest of the lads at FIFA.
Right, time for my previously trailed HOT TUESDAY deal.
I’ve been working with the team and put together something that I think you’re going to find hard to resist.
HOT TUESDAY DEAL:
For only £65,000 you can kick me up the arse in public or in private at any venue you see fit. I will travel to you and you can go as hard as you want. You can really give it the beans if you want. Really put your laces through my hole.
I’m also selling a used air fryer - £20 ONO.
Contact the Stockholm team if interested.
Bye now!