Friends, Romans, Mini Countrymen,
If you're a subscriber to the full diamond package of Benjamin Partridge PLC content - you've probably gathered that it's MaxFunDrive, which is when podcasts on the Maximum Fun podcast network (such as my very own Beef and Dairy Network - "Laugh? I wept." John Major) ask their listeners for money. And as such I have had my hat on the pavement for the past 2 weeks. So it may well be that you've already heard my pitch so I won't give you the hard sell. However, I made some videos in support of it and maybe you'll enjoy them.
For those who have already seen these filmic masterpieces ("Laugh? I wept." John Major), perhaps whilst on the toilet and looking at Instagram or on the toilet and looking at Twitter, I have included exclusive behind-the-scenes facts about each video ("That's the sort of added value I look for when I sign up for an email newsletter." John Major).
Behind the scenes fact: I filmed this one in Gravesend and when I was walking back to the station I walked past the church under which it is thought that Pocahontas is buried. I also bought all the microwavable bologneses in Gravesend’s Tesco Express - sorry Kentish bolog-fans.
2. Behind the scenes fact: Half way through filming this a woman popped her head over a wall and said "are you alright? I was worried that you were unwell" which is a British way of saying "please be quiet, I can hear you in my garden".
3. Throughout the outdoor part of filming this, there was a fox turd on the ground which we had to constantly pivot around. It's credit to Tom's abilities as an actor that he doesn't let that constant panic play across his face.
Go to maximumfun.org/join if you fancy chipping in - MaxFunDrive runs until the end of the weekend.
MORAL DILEMMAS THE BIBLE CAN'T HELP YOU WITH:
1. You're in a charity shop and you notice they have a rare early pressing of a Beatles record signed by Ringo Starr that you estimate is worth £100,000. In this scenario you're also eating a jam doughnut. The volunteer running the shop politely tells you that there is a no food policy in the shop and you fly off the handle: "Are you kidding? You've got a record there worth £100,000, and I could have bought it for 50p and made over 99 grand profit but I didn't, and you're worried about this doughnut? Fuck's saaaake!" And then you open your paper bag of doughnuts and start pelting the shop with doughnuts, jam spraying hither and thither. You hurl the final jam doughnut at a dress on a rack infront of you and realise that they've done it again: it's Queen Elizabeth the First's coronation dress, which has inestimable value. It's now absolutely covered in jam and ruined forever. Do you tell them?
2. Should we send planes to Ukraine?
3. I watched agog as a huge ginger cat took a shit on my plastic grass. A few hours later I went for a walk around the block and noticed a missing cat poster with a picture of the very same cat. I texted the number on the poster saying I'd seen the cat in my garden and they replied thanking me and saying they'd come and have a look in the local area. From a moral point of view, should I have been able to ask them to come and clear up the cat shit, given that they would be nearby and it is their cat?
Yes I know the most morally abhorrent element of the above scenarios is the existence of the plastic grass but it was installed by the previous owners of my house and I can't be arsed to pull it up.
Thanks for reading! Bye now!