Newsletter Number Two
Well here we are. The second newsletter.
Setting the scene: I’m on a National Express coach between London and Cardiff. I’m sat next to a French woman who’s been on the phone most of the journey. My years of French language education have not been in vain because I can report that at one point she mentioned a dog, I THINK. Or a horse.
We’re just driving past the Celtic Manor Resort - Wales’s premier golf resort, built by Wales’s first billionaire, Sir Terry Matthews. If I ever became First Minister of Wales, I would acquire it and it would become my Mar a Lago, where I could openly discuss my plans for a Welsh nuclear programme with the president of Japan in full view and earshot of some couples having the free Peroni that came with their 70% off Groupon voucher.
It has hosted political top brass before, Barack Obama stayed there during a NATO summit in 2014, no doubt attracted by its solid 3.5 star Tripadvisor rating.
The NATO summit was a funny time for South Wales. Security was tight and they surrounded all the politicians and NATO business with what was described at the time as a RING OF STEEL and was actually a large-ish fence. The fence surrounded Cardiff Castle, which in itself is basically a massive stone fence. It would have been much more fun and probably cheaper to have scrapped the RING OF STEEL and employed a merry band of keen amateur archers and battle re-enactors instead. If a terrorist had really wanted to kill a world leader, what would they have been more deterred by: a nine foot steel fence or the possiblity of having boiling oil poured over them from a rampart by an accountant dressed in a medieval style jerkin and green tights?
The navy also got involved, anchoring a destroyer called HMS Duncan off the coast in the Bristol Channel, as if the best thing to do in the event of an assassination attempt on Obama would be to pelt Cardiff with missiles until there was nothing left so we could all forget anything had happened.
At the Celtic Manor Resort, the whole place was littered with military vehicles and a replica fighter jet, finally bringing together the two most truly pointless human endeavours, war and golf.
Obama stayed in this building here, which looks a bit “this is where we educate the children who pose a threat to the other pupils”-y:
You can see what it’s like inside in this BBC News report. I like this report because they act like their minds have been blown by the extreme opulence of what is, let’s face it, quite nice but not exactly the Palace of Versaille.
Also, in the film you can see the kitchen area which has a large bin blocking access to the dishwasher, a cupboard and the four slice toaster. Seriously poorly planned. If I was Obama I wouldn’t have stood for it. I’d have been putting in a call to the missile boys on HMS Duncan.
YOU: WHY HAVE YOU ACTUALLY EMAILED ME? WAS IT TO TELL ME ABOUT A NATO SUMMIT THAT HAPPENED IN 2014?
ME: It’s #maxfundrive, which is the Maximum Fun network’s annual funding drive. If you’re a fan of my podcast, the Beef And Dairy Network Podcast, this is your chance to support it and any other MaxFun shows you listen to. Go to: maximumfun.org/donate
There are also gifts associated with different levels of support, including this pin badge:
Isn’t that good?
Also we’re doing a Beef and Dairy live show at Machynlleth Comedy Festival in mid Wales at 12.15pm (the coveted pre-lunch slot) on 4th May: tickets here.
We’re also doing a big live show in London on 1st June but it’s not on sale yet. I’ll send you another email about that. Maybe chronicling a different NATO summit.
Lastly, all of the most recent series (series 4) of the sketch show I co-write for BBC Radio 4, Small Scenes, has gone up on the BBC’s podcast Flip, which means you can listen to it if you live outside the UK. It doesn’t, however, mean you’ll understand all the references to Gregg Wallace. Download here.
Bye now!